Pretty much since I’ve moved to the upper east, I’ve been on the horns of a dilemma. I love the park. I spend at least some time in it virtually every day (except during the deep of winter (fuck you, February)). I love the Met, and the Guggs and Carl Schurz. You know what I don’t love? The people. They’re just boring. I feel like I’m in Columbus. They wear khakis or sundresses or just the typical Canada Goose jackets (actually everyone is wearing that fucking jacket. I will have to extol some vitriol on that in another post). They, or at least the bars they frequent, listen to just the most milquetoast goddamn music on the planet. They’re like Andy Bernard, but not played by Ed Helms. I’m sorry if you are an eastsider and you’re reading this, but you probably aren’t that mad because that would be too interesting of you.

The point I’m trying to make is that I desperately want my neighborhood to be downtown. I want my nice green park stuff, but I want it to be festooned with little gritty bars that play Slowdive and restaurants that only serve beets and community gardens and non-white people. Oh my god the white people. For the record, I am white as fuck, but again, this isn’t Columbus. Stop being so white, upper east side. You aren’t winning a prize.

Are there any places that are just not normal?

But lo! The 2nd Ave Subway doth bring some merriment to the porridge of culture. And right off the main crux of nightlife at 78th and 2nd sits the lovely, quirky, impossibly small Heidi’s House. Everything is perfect: the too small tables, the weird Ikea partition they use to separate the dining space from the kitchen, the bathroom that smells like an old church. Oh right, and the food tastes as good as it would feel to have a baby deer come teetering up to you and eat berries out of your hand. Lobster mac? Crushes it. Shrimp tacos? Like being on the gulf coast except you’re not surrounded by walleyed jackasses. And Ho Lee Shit the bread pudding. I’m like 75% sure I slept with my girlfriend Maria the first time because of that bread pudding. That’s right. Their dessert wrangles puss. Heidi is often behind the bar topping off glasses with an incredible selecsh of wines and beers. Come in and say hello and get a small plate of bruschetta and I promise you you will want 10 more plates.

I give this joint     out of 4 Purse Dogs.